I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality comes crashing to the floor
I know that the people around me all seem affected and are concerned with my sudden silence and inability to smile anymore. That's why I'm trying to be happier.
I really am trying.
Though I'm touched that they all miss my incessant chattering, it's tough to pretend to smile and be happy when what I really want to do is curl up in the corner and listen to the deafening silence.
The frightening thing is; as the tears are streaming down my face, I'm not filled with sadness or despair.
Instead I can't seem to feel anything anymore.
I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me
I'm more than a bird
I'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It's not easy to be me
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see
It may sound absurd
But don't be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed
But won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me
Up, up and away
Away from me
It's all right
You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy
Or anything
I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees
I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
It's not easy to be me
I'm becoming more and more angsty these days. I don't have any explanation for it. That's not wrong is it?
I'm finding it more and more difficult to force myself to smile nowadays. And for some reason, I find tears in my eyes practically all the time. This wasn't supposed to happen... I was supposed to block it all out and act just fine.
So how did it all end up like this?
I've lost control.
Lost control of the only thing I had control of in the first place. My Emotions.
I think I'm going crazy. Sometimes, for long periods of time, my mind is just a blank void and then there are the occasions when there are just too many voices in my head.
I think I might need a psychiatrist. It's so ironic that I need someone to find out what's wrong with me.
I'm so confused.
So that's what this emotion is called. Frustration.
Sometimes we all just need someone to tell us that everything's going to be alright. Don't we?
Sometimes I can't help feeling this way. I know that different people lead different lives and it's selfish of me to think of them this way, but when I see the people around me constantly depressed over things as redundant as these; I just feel like spilling out all the problems that I try so hard to keep inside of me. When I hear them, it just hurts to not tell them. I'm amazed at how uncomplicated their lives are, and I guess a part of me is afraid to open up to them if only for the fear of them not understanding. And I need someone to understand. To acknowledge the hurt in me...because I can't bring myself to accept it.
I wish I could have an uncomplicated life just like them.
I'm sick. AHHHH. I don't like being sick.
Anyways, racial harmony day yesterday!! People were so creative, all the different types of races and ethnic groups: Islam, Korean, Japanese Samurai, A group of people even came dressed as terrorists with their female classmates/friends dressed as Taliban women. When we saw them at first, we thought they were ninjas. AHAHA.
I really don't think it's appropriate for you to judge me. What I say and do, How I think and feel are not to please you. I don't need you to accept my thoughts and actions, and I certainly don't live my life according to the way you think I should. I would hardly think that I need your authority.
Here's what I learnt today:
1. Leonard's hair wax makes Desmond's hair look funny. Seriously. It looked so fake and glossy. He looked like he was wearing a wig. I couldn't help laughing whenever I talked or faced him. HAHAHHA.
2. Mao is so annoying please. She's nice an all, but she can be such a neh at times.
3. JADE CAN WALK SLIGHTLY FASTER!!!!! HAHAHHA.
4. I don't know nuts about econs.
5. I'm having weird cravings lately. First it was waffles and ice cream, and then it was burgers and now wan ton mee. Something's up.
6. I DIDN'T GET TO EAT MY WAN TON MEE TODAY!!!!
Is it wrong to hope for something better?
Everything seems to be spiralling out of control and I'm just pretending that the issues at hand do not exist.
Typical me. Supressing everything and running away because I'm just too cowardly to face reality. I know what the problem is but I don't know the solution. The pessimist in me is telling me that nothing good will result anyway, so I shouldn't bother to even try and salvage the situation.
Simply because it is beyond repair.
What am I saying? It doesn't even exist in the first place remember?
Will this deja vu never end? Is this how I'm gonna live the rest of my life?
Went out with Lumpy today. FUN FUN FUN!!!!!!!!
We walked and walked and talked and talked. What else please? HAH. She's going on a short holiday tomorrow. I'm so envious. I wanna go on a vacation too!!!!
This is a really short entry. Nothing much happened today but I'm blogging because Jade's complaining that there's nothing new here. WHICH ISN'T TRUE.
PE today was fun fun fun!!! Instead of running for no reason, we conditioned our muscles with different and fun exercises. I partnered Fei and we had to piggyback each other round the track, taking short breaks in between of course. But that neh neh girl's afraid of being carried so in the end Mega Fei carried me the whole time. WOOTS. Power sia. I'm amazed that she can actually lift me in the first place please.
So then Jade and I decided to continue running after PE, and we joined Qimin. Jade tried to make a 360 degree turn and she fell and twisted her ankle. Poor Qimin felt so gulity, but obviously it isn't her fault. - Did you hear that Qimin??- Jade felt stupid for falling down. If she's dumb then what am I please??!
A mentally unsound, retarded, clumsy nutcase that's what.
Evidence: I've already sprained both my ankles a total of 3 times and I constantly fall and injure myself. I'm sitting here right now with a huge bruise on my left knee and I haven't a clue how I got it. I've a feeling that I probably knocked into something during PE. As usual. Congratulations to me please.
Oh and the new seating arrangement isn't that bad. It's fun sitting in between Shem and Shawn.
Pro: I get to laugh a lot.
Con: I get to hear perverted things like dirty porno stuff, incest and other corrupted things that an innocent girl like me should never hear.
By the way, today I've unknowingly said the F word 3 times. See what they're doing to me?! Crap. Piggybank's gonna be on my table on Monday. Shawn shall pay $1 for every vulgarity. And Shem and I have decided to split the money 50-50.
But don't tell Shawn that. SHHHHH. HAHAHAHA.
I don't believe
In the smile that you leave
When you walk away
And say goodbye
Well I don't expect
The world to move underneath me
But for God's sake
Could you try?
I know that you're true to me
You're always there
You say you care
I know that you want to be mine
Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
That's all I'm asking for
Oh, where is your heart?
I don't understand
Your love is so cold
It's always me that's reaching out
For your hand
And I've always dreamed
That love would be effortless
Like a petal falling to the ground
A dreamer following his dream
Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
And that's all I'm asking for
Oh, where is your heart?
It seems so much is left unsaid
So much is left unsaid
But you can say anything
Oh, anytime you need
Baby, it's just you and me
Oh yeah
I know that you're true to me
You're always there
You say you care
I know that you want to be mine
Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
That's all I'm asking for
New seating arrangement!!! I'm now sitting in between shem and shawn.
One word: FAINTS.
Pray for me that I won't be as equally vulgar, equally perverted, equally maple-ed and equally dota-ed as them. hehee.
Chinese orals today. As Suemaine said, cheena piang ppl. Hahaha. By the time it was my turn, I was cold, urgent and thirsty.
Imagine how well THAT went.
-few seconds of imagining me in torture and talking a load of crap-
Yes, that was exactly how well it went.
Well that's the end of all my World Cup hopes. There isn't a single team left that I support, but I'd think and would like Germany to win the cup, at least they've shown that they deserve the cup. This World Cup has been so disappointing and they've been so many upsets --- The Czech Republic, Switzerland, Ivory Coast, Ghana, Spain, Argentina and Brazil --- but I've got to say that the France and Brazil match was a total shocker.
And guess what? My whole face is still as red as yesterday, so I do hope when the redness finally fades away, I'll be tanner. :] Hee.
Sentosa today with Luthfi, Hongkit, Giam, Zhenjie, Desmond, Ziwei, Shemuel, Erwin, Sean, Stacy, Suemaine, Yolanda, Melissa, Fei and Jadey!!!!! They were all late!! We were supposed to meet at harbour front mrt station at 10am, but had to wait for everyone till 10.45. Went to Palawan Beach!!
We played frisbee, soccer until we couldn't take the heat from the sand and went into the water. Stacy, Fei and I were digging a hole for Hongkit to lie in, while the boys swam a really long distance to and from the bridge, played cards, took lots of pictures till we just simply went high, and just slacked in the water while Suemaine and Yolanda were tanning. I think that they're tanning session was a success, haha, they're really tan now!! Melly and Jadey didn't get tan or burnt as they came later to meet us there, and mel took extra care to avoid the sun. Desmond wore sunblock... which is surprising actually. And I'm really really really burnt now!! My whole body is red, not pink, RED. But I really want to get tanner so I hope I'll at least be a little darker instead of going back to my natural skin colour. :]Wishful thinking on my part I guess.
Stayed all the way till 7 and had dinner at cine, the restuarant had television sets and I was too distracted by the soccer highlights that were on that I turned out to be the last one to finish. We bumped into lots of our friends that we made while in STC, Sean and Erwin were really fascinated and amused that we said Hi to 8 different people. Haha.
It was a real good day, achieved what I told myself I would: Played lots of games to vent my unhappiness!!I had a wonderful time and I hope we can do this again some other time. :]
But no matter how much I'll try, I know that the same unhappy thoughts will be lingering in my mind. I never knew that lightning could strike in the same place more than twice.
Take away the sensation inside
Bitter sweet migraine in my head
Its like a throbbing tooth ache of the mind
I can't take this feeling anymore
Drain the pressure from the swelling,
This sensations overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing
So give me Novacaine
Out of body and out of mind
Kiss the demons out of my dreams
I get the funny feeling, that's alright
Jimmy says it's better than air,
I’ll tell you what
Drain the pressure from the swelling,
This sensations overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing,
So give me Novacaine
Oh Novacaine -I really don't want to feel a thing-
Drain the pressure from the swelling,
This sensations overwhelming
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me Jimmy I won't feel a thing,
So give me Novacaine
I change my mind, June sucks. I hate June.
Total dissolution into pleasure under the guise of pretending that they could be something they've never been.
Normal.
How could I have been that stupid and naive to actually believe that we would be fine and that we could EVER be normal?!
As we lay here together I feel your heart beat with mine
With time standing still, here is where we've always been
Well there goes the world and we're right in the middle again
- In The Middle, Theory Of A Deadman
Beverley
Caressa
Daniel
Denise Teo
Denise Poon
Desmond
Dominic
Ginni
Jade
Jasmine
Jeannette
Karen
Karmila
Kenneth
Kenny
LayCheng
Melissa
Momoko
Natalie
Peihan
Qimin
Rathika
Shaleen
Shermaine
Stacy
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Xiaowei
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